Confronting My Loneliness

The first time I came to terms with loneliness was years ago, in school. I remember being so afraid to confront it that I pushed it aside and refused to come to terms with it again for quite a long time. It was such an eerie feeling and the very idea of loneliness scared me shitless. I was in denial for a very long time. I always thought of loneliness as a sickness which was more mental than physical that would eat me alive and leave me friendless if I ever gathered the courage to confront it. 

I found myself feeling left out and lonely even around people. I couldn’t relate to most of them and sadly I face this problem even now. I was never alone yet I felt lonely. My coping mechanism was very weak perhaps because I was a mere teenager dealing with different emotions all at once- hating on life and society.. wondering why am I the target every time. What kind of a target, you ask? Well, I have been very vocal about certain issues I feel we all face at some point in our life.

I was at the brink of a breakdown a few months ago. In December, to be precise. I did not have anybody to talk to and I did not know what I was going to do about it. This is exactly the time I decided that I had to woman up! I had to accept and embrace the fact that yes, I am a lonely person. What was I going to do about it? That was the first step.

As I started to spend more and more time with myself and my thoughts in general, I found that running away from this monster that I had created in my head was futile. I began thinking about what I want from life, from people… from myself. The first step i.e acceptance led me to dive into the realm of loneliness. It was nothing less than meditation considering I came out a changed person.

Once you are well aware of yourself and your surroundings you stop “feeling” lonely because hey, you have YOU! And no one can be a better friend/lover/whatever you want to call it, than YOU, duh. When I realized this, I did not feel the fear being a lonely person or the constant need to be around people. And if I can do it then anyone can!

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*Edited* - 23/7

So, I have always been a sucker for over sized clothing. I found this tee shirt on the paved streets of Janpath, the infamous tourist spot for beautiful Indian souvenirs, junk jewelry, thrift clothing and whatnot! I fell in love with it at once. I have a special place in my heart for super cool graphic clothing so I had to pick this one up. There is this misconception that the color white makes curvy women look big. Honestly, it doesn't. You'd look as normal as you do in a pair of blue jeans. It just highlights your curves- which is not a bad thing, right?!
The choker is doubled up rosary beads that belong to my mother and the shoes were a steal from Zara, two years ago!

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As you can see, I have finally moved out of my backyard. The pictures were taken by my lovely friend from college Alice S Tigga. Do check her work out on instagram here. I hope you're having a great day! 

Aishwarya x